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Aug. 11th, 2008

*Our Family*

Tantrums.... and mother-in-laws

So today when I was visiting over by Bruce and Marli, Bruce was having an argument with his mom about the way that he discipline's Marli ( our daughter).  To give a little bit of background on the fight, Bruce was disciplining Marli for throwing tantrum over everything. We decided to take a walk after dinner, and Bruce and I were talking and Marli wanted to race. Since my whole arm injury happened, and the next surgery is on the way I'm not able to run around with her. So, Bruce said I will race you baby.  Marli and Bruce start racing down the street and a car was heading in their direction and Bruce said "Marli grab my hand and come out of the street".  Marli didn't think it was necessary to move and Bruce tried to coax her out the street nicely and she wouldn't budge! Bruce then yelled at her and said "You’re just going to ignore me"?  Bruce then told her that the whole race thing was over and told her she was going into timeout when she got home and in the house. She then proceeded to throw a tantrum all the way home. Screaming and crying that she wanted to race and that she didn't want to go into timeout when she got home. 
  By the time myself, Bruce, and Marli got home from that half mile walk we were ready to pull our hair out! Bruce told Marli that she wasn't allowed to come into the house while she was screaming and crying. He had her sit in the front of the house where there is a little porch (mosquito’s are present) and told her she has to stay there until she calms down and stops her crying and tantrum. When Bruce closed the door I said we should just put her in time out in the room where there are no mosquitos. I guess Bruce's mom heard me say that and started complaining to Bruce about the whole situation... then starting saying we don't know how to discipline our kid. That caused a HUGE argument between him and his mom. Needless to say the whole situation didn't end well. Bruce and his mom continued to argue and I took Marli to my house and put her in time out.... then bathed her and sent her to bed right after dinner for her actions. Why is it that mother-in-laws always have to put their 2 sense in where it's really not wanted?

 
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Aug. 6th, 2008

Flowing

Being Humble

Well, where oh where to start? I mean things have been on a downward spiral for a while now. I mean since June 13th (Friday) when my ex Bruce and the whole family including my daughter went out of town to Trinidad & Tobago and I started my cancer treatments and then decide to go and play softball despite my internal dialog that it wouldn't be the best idea..... Go figure that the internal dialog was correct seeing as though that day I broke my elbow, Collar bone and tore everything in my left shoulder. Since June 13th I have been in and out of the hospital for one thing or another. On June 26th I had my 1st of many surgery's. I had my elbow fixed and being rehabilitated and now I'm awaiting my collarbone to be fixed on Aug 8th and then my shoulder surgery on Aug 18th. I'm glad to say that my ex Bruce and my daughter have made it back from Trinidad and that they will be helping me with the surgeries that I will be going though in the next 2 weeks. Bruce has shown me that he is a better man that I thought. Bruce has stepped up to help me with the bills that have proceeded to pile up. I have been stressed more than normal with the things that have been going on, but despite the cancer treatments and the broken ARM ( whole arm) I have managed not to have TOO many breakdowns. I've asked for help from my mom for the car payments and got a reply that she would help me out.... to later find out that she can't assist me with anything. I'm now going to lose my car in the midst of everything that's going on. Can anyone say stress???? All the things that I would do if I could do can't be done at this point. I can't get a second job to help with bills because I can't work another job with a left arm that isn't workable. I can't buy a cheap car when I barely have money coming in from my full time job. I can't ride a bike to work cause 1) I live to far... and 2)I don't have two hands to ride with. What do you do at this point? What do you do when there isn't anything you can do? Sigh and just hope for the best? Pray that God guides me in the right direction? Be thankful for the people like Bruce who are helping me, but can only do so much?? I- Aden have so much pride that I've had to learn to let go of. I guess you can say I'm learning to be more HUMBLE than I already knew I was. There isn't a thing to say other than "Be thankful for those who step up and show you that no matter what they are there to help you when life gets rough, and they are there to smile when things are going great in your life."

Jul. 29th, 2008

Flowing

Catching up

Well it's been since November 2007 since I wrote last and can I say that things haven't really changed all that much besides my location and the face that I'm going to be another year older. Bruce and I are still chatting on and off and we aren't fighting and I haven't really been dating anyone to brag about. I've been keeping my self busy with the joys of every day life. I have to say that I've been drawing and painting like crazy> Marli is getting bigger and bigger by the day and Bruce and I can't believe that we are going to be throwing her, her 5th birthday soon! Bruce and I were talking about old times today and I happen to bust out my old diary and well the words came flowing out like old times. I read about Melissa and all the fun times that we used to have and stuff and then well I think I fell off the face of the earth! LOL Needless to say I went back and read some of the old entries and it was so much fun reading the fun times from College life. Brought back memories from what now seems eons ago. Just glad to know that after all is said and done in your life that you can remember the things that happened in your life. What simple pleasures.

Jul. 23rd, 2007

Flowing

Weekend Overview

So remember when I said I don't like being alone? Well this weekend I can say that I wasn't alone one minute of the weekend.  My weekend started with some good ole shopping for house things with my best girl friend Nikki. We spent some time hanging out and shopping for some house things and then turned it into a night out with just the 2 of us. We decided to go to Gatsby's and take back a few drinks and have a nice time. When we got there it was 11pm and we thought that at least by like 12 the place would be hopping- None the less it never happened. We got drunk and we were like 2 of 5 people in the freakin place. I mean it was nice and all but it was weird because there was NO ONE there and that place is usually hoping on Friday nights. Does no one party on Friday's anymore?
  On Saturday I took my little moo moo ( Marli) to her dance class where I got to watch her dance her little heart out. When she was dancing I felt like I was looking at a small version of a professional ballerina! She dance so perfectly and she knew all the things that the teacher asked her about her foot positions- the money we spend a month on Dance I'm glad it's paying off. After that Bruce has Marli on Saturday and I went to bring her back home to him. Bruce and I said hi and everything was good with us for about 10 minutes and then it was clearly time that I needed to go cause we weren't meant to be around each other( Bruce was Moody). After that my friend Nikki and I decided to keep our trend from the day before and continue to shop.  I can honestly say that I really do not want to see another mall or store for a very long time. We walked from 12pm to 9:30pm when the mall closed.
  After Nikki and I walked all over creation we had a party to go to with my friend Meg. Meg was turning 22 and a bunch of us were going out to let loose. Nikki and I got all dolled up and went out for a night a Blue Martini in West Palm Beach, and then to Bradley's to drink and dance. We had so much fun. We were doing body shots and drinkin' the whole time. After Bradley's we made our way to this place called Monkey Club and danced until our feet hurt.... but we didn't stop there... We went to Nobels after that and danced for like another hour.... and that was all she wrote. We couldn't walk any more that's how bad our feet hurt!! Sleep wasn't not an option for me though. I had promised Bruce to take him to the air port at 5am so I did that. No sleep for me from Friday night to Sunday night- how I survived I have no idea. The rest of the weekend was a BLUR!

Jul. 17th, 2007

Flowing

Music Triggers Memories

So this morning after my alarm clock went off at about 6:45am I rolled over to see my beautiful baby girl snuggling next me in bed. I wanted to freeze the moment right where is was and never move.  I brushed my hand against her face and then decided to let her and I play hooky from everything this morning.  Marli and I didn't roll out of bed until about 9:15am and then we slowly got read for her to go to school.  Iwasn't feeling to go to work so I decided to take a personal day and stay home and rest.
  I got marli dressed and my self looking half decent to walk about the door.  When Marli and I got into the car the radio was already blasting.  Blasting music in the morning usually helps us get up and perky -which is weird cause usually mothers like it quite in the morning, where as I like to have energy to get me up and alive. So the music was blasting right when we get into the car and every single song that came on the radio seemed like it was meant just for me. When I reached marli's school and dropped her off it must have been a good 20 minutes that I was in there doing my whole mommy thing. When I came out and got into the car I thought "wow, this must be my day, all my favorite songs are on today."
 On my way home to spend a whole day of Veging I made a decision that I would stop off at Publix and for a couple of those new $1 movies they are available for rent. On my way there I was listening to the radio and the whole time every single song that came on the radio was a song that I listened to when I was with Bruce in our "IT"S TOTALLY LOVE PHASE" of our relationship P.M (Pre-Marli). I was listening to the words of this song and I could see,smell and feel everything that I was doing During that song. I could see Bruce looking at me with eyes of true passion and true adoring love. I could feel him touching me and his hand sliding down my back next to my butt, and his lips on my neck and then his tongue in my mouth-warm and inviting. I could smell his sweet fragrance of after shave and his desire to be in me. It was as if I was there all over again. I was driving but at the same time everything about that moment seemed so real like I was standing there in the room looking at the moment from another time in my life.
 When things like that happen, you want to pinch your self to see if you were really dreaming. It's kinda like waking up from a really bad dream and not knowing if any of it was real. I was so taken back from what I was thinking about that I started to get tears in my eyes remembering all the good and romantic times Bruce and I had together. When I got Publix the movies that I picked were so me- movies about love and loss and all the other things that I should not have been watching. I spent the good part of the morning to mid-afternoon watching movies that I shouldn't have been because they made me think way to much of Bruce and what it would be like to have the romance and love back in our relationship. I guess there is a way that you have to figure out what things mean the most to you- and when you do they have to be things that you are willing to fight for. Where do I start to figure out what it is that I want to fight for???? Where does that begin and end???

Jul. 16th, 2007

Flowing

A moment of weakness:Sunday

So, Bruce and I had sex on Saturday night when I spent the night over his house because I was too tired to go home. Bruce and I read marli her books to go to bed, and then after marli was asleep it was like all the hormones in the world couldn't keep us apart. This isn't the 1st time this has happened and I'm sure that it won't be the last time either. Although it was nice, I have to wonder if me sleeping with Bruce is going to cloud my judgement when it comes to how I feel about him. I mean it's nice to have someone to sleep with on a regular basis-especially when your hormones are running wild! I just need to be really careful and make sure that I'm not getting false feelings because I'm sleeping with him. Now that I think about it the last time I slept with him before saturday night Bruce was the one that started it 1st, and then this time as well. I'm just wondering if I wanted it and started it with him if he would be as open and ok with it as I am when he initiates with me. Am I being a slut by sleeping with him? Is it considered the same thing when you aren't dating them after 7 years but are still in love with them? I I think I need to take a chill on my hormones for a while and see what it is that I want before I incorporate sex into the mix. When I think about that I think well we both know what we are doing... and we both know that we love one another, as long as we keep it simple and there is no issues that we have after having sex with one another then it will be great! Why does having a sex life make everything complicated? Grrrr..... But I did have a really good time...

Jul. 14th, 2007

*Our Family*

A day of family time. Aden,marli,Bruce

This morning was my princesses dance class at 10am and Bruce and I took her to the class together like we have been for the last 2 weeks and it was nice. Bruce and I dropped her off at her class at 10am and we had an hour to spare. I looked over at Bruce in my passenger seat and said "what you would like to do for an hour?" When I asked that question I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to go home with him in snuggle in bed.  I waited while Bruce answered the question I asked he said he wanted to get some things from Walmart. So, we went.... Shop, shop, and shop is what we did until about quarter of 11 which is when we had to start heading back to Marli's dance class.
  The rest of the day we have spent together doing things as a family and it's been nice. Bruce and Marli are in the living room of where Bruce is staying while we are split and I can't help wondering if this is the way that God has planned everything in my life.  I miss BRUCE! I want to snuggle and kiss and make love and do all the things that we did when we were madly in love. The time spent together has been really nice and it makes me rememeber all the good times that we had as a family. I will let my self have these feelings and just remember what it's like to be a family again and see if this is really want I want or don't want..... mind, heart and soul all pay tricks on you. Good night and I will write more tomorrow.

Jul. 13th, 2007

Flowing

The wonders of my mind..

I think that I have a fetish to torture my self with-what could have beens. My ex went on a trip to Vegas, that him and I were both supposed to go on for 4th of July... and well needless to say that I didn't go because we broke up. I started talking to him again this week because he asked how I was doing and I said I was fine- Knowing that that's a total lie to my self... I still said I was fine. I mean I couldn't sit there and start telling him how I was shocked that he was still in love with his ex and that I was devastated even though I didn't like him that much. I didn't even know my self why I was upset that we broke it off. So anyway he asked me how I was doing.... and I said I was fine. I asked to be polite how he was and how the Trip was! Mind you this was a trip that (I) was supposed to go on. He said good... and that he didn't sleep for the whole time. He said "I haven't gotten the pictures, but when I do would you like to see them?" I said "Of course." what a total idiot I was... I don't know what I said that because I know that deep down in my heart I know that I didn't really want to see them. I mean I did-just to see if he might have taken the Ex and that way I would have felt better to know that we really did break up over her. So today Dennis says "I got the pictures, do you want to see them?" You think that I would say no... that I wasn't interested.... this is where why theory of SELF TORTURE comes in! I, being the idiot that I am said "yes." So I'm there looking at the pictures and I see that he's at the place we were supposed to go to dinner at with our friends and there is NO ONE there at my spot. I don't know what the heck happened to me after I saw that picture. I mean you would think that would make me feel better.... but "NO" I started going off about how I'm going to be single for the rest of my life... and that I'm going to wind up being a volunteer at a nursing hospital and playing Bingo with no one to love me. My friends all were looking at me like I was a complete idiot...and you know what I didn't feel like it. I truly believe this right now. I know that I'm going though a pre-mature mid-20's crisis if that's what you would like to call it... but it's still happening... and I don't don't what the FUCK to do... Oh... I'm over it! LOL ;-) I had to get it out.... and that is my messed up theory on my self! LOL

Jul. 10th, 2007

Flowing

Is it loneliness that I'm feeling?

So today is one of those days where I feel all weird inside. I don't really know why and I really don't have any reason to be feeling that way. I've had my friends around me and I've been keeping busy in order to avoid thinking about being away from Bruce and also from Dennis as well... but some how or another today I just feel like I'm not all there. I feel lonely and I can't be cause I have people around me all day long. I'm talking and chatting to everyone I know today and I still feel lonely. Usually when I feel this way I will go out and do something with a guy that I like or think is cute or maybe even talk to Bruce because I know that will make me feel wanted or loved or something to that extent. However, I just won't do it. I won't call Bruce I, I won't call Dennis and I won't get on Match to talk or flirt with someone this time. I need to have some time to get to know my self. I need time away from guys. I have been dating someone for what feels to be like my whole life. It all started with Brian... and then after our long romance and me falling head over heals in love and wanting to marry him he shattered my heart into a million little pieces. I thought for sure I would never get over him... and then along came another distraction named Joe. Joe was someone who was BAD ASS. He was the one that my parents didn't want me to be with ever!!! They did everything in their power for us not to see one another and I did everything to be with him that I could. You think that I would take my parents advice and not date him thinking that they might know what they were talking about-but NO! Needless to Joe was an asshole and he slept with my best friend! I wasn't friends with her or him after that but it hurt like hell and I felt lonely for a long time like no one would love me. My loneliness didn't last that long cause Rishi came right after Joe. Rishi and I were together, why I have no idea cause we had nothing in common! Rishi was just there to pass the time and well we didn't last too long. Rishi and I were dating when I was looking online and came across Bruce! Yes, another person right after another.... I broke it off with Rishi cause I was falling for Bruce. Bruce and I hit it off and lets just say I fell harder than anything. I was in love with him so bad that it hurt to be without him. We lasted 7+ years and have a 3 year old daughter Marli together. After all the issues that surrounded Bruce and I breaking up I thought for sure that I was over him and ready to move on with my life and wanted someone who I thought was going to WOW me and make me feel like a princess. When Bruce and I broke it off I was so mad it didn't hurt at all. I cried to be honest, but I have no idea why I was crying. I didn't know if I was upset because Bruce and I weren't together or because I was alone and didn't know what to do with my self?
After we broke up and everything was done and I moved out and Dennis came along. Dennis seemed like it for me! I was amazed by him... I even thought he was funny, charming and over all great guy who had his things together. We started dating right after Bruce and I were split and it was great for me. I knew what I was doing and I was an adult that had her feelings inline and knew what she wanted. The more that I spent time with Dennis the more I would think about Bruce. I would look at Dennis at times and I would see Bruce. I would talk to him and I was almost say his name. I thought there for a while that maybe God was giving me a sign that Bruce wasn't out of my system and that I needed to take some time and sort things out with Bruce. Although I would normally listen to those feelings I didn't. Time went on and I was really feeling Dennis on and off. I thought one day that I liked him and then the order I thought I was just missing Bruce and that's the normal feelings and it would go away-Boy was I wrong. Things were happening with Dennis that I could see that he was having a conflict with his emotions to cause he had broken up with someone too.... but I never thought anything of it. Then one day about 2 weeks ago we broke it off after 4 months. I wasn't that sad, and I didn't cry. I just felt like what the hell is wrong with me??? I wasn't ready to date anyone either.... I wasn't ready to give my self 100% but at the same time I was upset at Dennis. I was upset for him having feelings for someone else. why???? He said that he wanted to be my friend.... and I refused. I haven't said a word to him since then our conversation about us going our own ways. There are days like today where I just want to IM him while I'm at work to just talk to him and tell him everything that I'm feeling, but then I come to my senses and I just ignore him, and ignore the situation. After all that being said and all that I wrote I see more clearly. I'm not going to go for someone else. I'm not going to go on Match to look for maybe what might be someone else who will pass my time. I'm going to slow down, spend some time making new friends and enjoying what it's like to become ADEN again. Maybe after taking that time and Bruce taking his time to get to know him we will be able to work though or issues. With that being said I will end this on a good note that I am optimistic about my new found time to get to rediscover me. I don't need someone to complete me, I need someone who will help bring out the best in me and I can only find that person by getting to know who I really am for them to bring it out in me to begin with.

Jul. 9th, 2007

Flowing

Mystical Dancer/Poem

Soaring highs and booming lows conjoin
and ascend with a most enticing sound
while stirring every stagnant emotion
wishing to remain on solid ground.

Taken by hand is every open heart
comforted by a soothing vibrato
and born again are all listening ears
resurrected by a firm crescendo.

Awe-inspired with eyes awakened
as steadfast arms shape yielding winds
with power and guidance so divine
that helps every broken soul to mend.

Every single beat of every heart
is held at once by an open palm
when suddenly touched and reassured
from the new found healing of this balm.

Swept away by such beautiful display
one can regain breath so full and deep,
embraced by arms of sheer magnificence
one can be still in eternal sleep.

Soaring highs and booming lows conjoin
and ascend with a most enticing sound
while stirring every stagnant emotion
wishing to remain on solid ground.

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